BUILDING INTIMACY IN RELATIONSHIP

“Intimacy is beyond the surface (sex, kiss, hugs, etc) It is not an act. It is a state of existence in which both partners in a relationship trust each other and more with their inner thoughts, wishes, desires and dreams." Myles Monroe


We all desire to be the closest and if possible the most important person in the life of our partner. However, this is something even some married couples lack in their marriage. So does it mean that it is impossible for a couple to KNOW each other inside out? Is intimacy impossible to achieve in a relationship?  If you asked me... I'll say YES! It is possible, but would it come on a platter? The answer is NO! What is Intimacy? I've always opined that intimacy is being NAKED! That is, not holding anything back, trusting ones partner enough, being comfortable around them and knowing and accepting each other's strengths and weaknesses. "Intimacy is a process – not a thing. It takes place over time and is not stagnant. In fact, any kind of stagnation in a relationship kills intimacy " -Counselling and Wellness Centre ( CWC )

From Myles' and the CWC’s statements, we can conclude that intimacy is indeed beyond the surface, it requires persistency as it is a continuous process. In my experience, I have discovered that success in anything at all requires knowing the SUBJECT and stages involved. Likewise, attaining closeness (intimacy) in your relationship demands that you know the stages. 


STAGES OF INTIMACY

The first stage to true intimacy in a relationship is developing Oneness of Spirit. Sadly, in today's world we believe the first step is being sexually involved. As a matter of fact, this is what most people tag as INTIMACY. Oneness of Spirit simply means you both have the same belief when it comes to God and His existence. It means you don't have contrary views about religion and the denominations. It is believing in the same God, mode of worship and place of worship. Once this is settled, then you can move to the next stage. 


The next stage is Intellectual Compatibility. This involves your ambitions, philosophies (life, money, family, love, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, music, smoking, sex, abortion, adoption, etc.). If this guy/girl is going to be the best/important part of your life, you sure want to tell them about how you view these subjects and also know theirs. It'll be disastrous and frustrating to marry someone whose ideologies differ from yours, just like the Holy Book puts it, two cannot work expect they agree (Amos 3:3). 


Hence, if your relationship or marriage must work, then you both must be in agreement and agreement leads to better understanding and closeness (intimacy). I call the aforementioned points the MAJORS and most important of all the stages involved in building intimacy. 


Now that we've majored on the important things, let's look at the minors. I call them minors not because they are unimportant, but (as a matter of fact they fuel the engine of every relationship) because they can be taught and learnt. For example, we all love different cars but use the same fuel. The car is the MAIN thing while the fuel is just FUEL... 


The MAJORS are the car while the MINORS are the fuel. We are unique individuals and our love language varies. Emotional Awareness is knowing your partner's love language(s). For instance, I love poems (especially when they are yours and not a plagiarised one), surprises, respect and loyalty. I love it when I know my friends or partner have my back. Now, it doesn't mean everyone is like this. Some people love act of service, gifts, money, regular calls, taking them shopping and chopping and much more. Find out what your partner's love language is and try your best to do them. You'll be their favourite buddie that way. 


Finally, this point requires the reader's discretion. Sexual Gene/Sexual Intimacy, this is the stereotypical definition of intimacy that most people are familiar with. However, it is knowing and understanding your partner's sexual turn 'ons and offs', favourite foreplay, sex position, and other things that would aid sexual intimacy. This knowledge should be applied ONLY after doing the RIGHT thing (marriage). Marriage should be honourable and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13.4) 


Being in love is a beautiful thing and loving someone you know, understand and trust vice versa is magical. Dating; done the right way, leads to a lasting friendship and true intimacy. Dating is talking, asking questions in order to know each other better. It is not a time to groom a lover but to grow a friend. Concentrate more on the spiritual instead of the physical. 


 Ask questions on the 2 Majors (Spiritual and Intellectual) and the Minors (Emotional and Sexual), they foster INTIMACY and might lead you two down the aisle and keep you together. Don't forget to always pray for, and pray with your partner. Prayer is and will always be the KEY to unlocking the door that leads to success in all spheres of our life. A lot of divorce is as a result of not reaching an agreement on most if, not all of these things. If you are single you can get it right and if you're separated, this can guide you if you are still considering getting involved again. 


Thanks for reading. 

Chichi Ogbonnaya 


 Feel free to comment.

Letter to a Lesbian

I saw this article about Lesbianism online and thought I should share it with you. I hope it inspires you. 

 "Dear ______, I just want you to know that I understand. I understand how it feels to be in love with a woman. To want nothing more than to be with her forever. Feeling as if the universe has played a cruel joke on your heart by allowing it to fall into the hands of a creature that looks just like you. I too was a lesbian. I had same-sex attractions as early as five-years old.

As I grew up, those feelings never subsided. They only grew. I would find myself having crushes on my female best friends, but I was far too ashamed to admit it to them — let alone to myself. At the age of 17, I finally made the decision to pursue these desires. I entered into a relationship with a young lady who became my “first.” The first time we kissed, it felt extremely natural, as if this feeling is what I had been missing all along. After her came another woman and then another woman. Both relationships were very serious, each lasting over a year. I enjoyed these relationships and loved these women a lot.

And it came to the point that I was willing to forsake all, including my soul, to enjoy their love on earth. In October 2008, at the age of 19, my superficial reality was shaken up by a deeper love — one from the outside, one that I’d heard of before but never experienced. For the first time, I was convicted of my sin in a way that made me consider everything I loved (idolized), and its consequences. I looked at my life, and saw that I had been in love with everything except God, and these decisions would ultimately be the death of me, eternally. My eyes were opened, and I began to believe everything God says in his word. I began to believe that what he says about sin, death, and hell were completely true. And amazingly, at the same time that the penalty of my sin became true to me, so did the preciousness of the cross.

A vision of God’s Son crucified, bearing the wrath I deserved, and an empty tomb displaying his power over death — all things I had heard before without any interest had become the most glorious revelation of love imaginable. After realizing all of what I would have to give up, I said to God, “I cannot let these things or people go on my own. I love them too much. But I know you are good and strong enough to help me.” Now, at the age of 23, I can say with all honesty that God has done just that. He has helped me love him more than anything. Now why did I just tell you about this? I gave you a glimpse of my story because I want you to understand that I understand. But I also want you to know that I also understand how it feels to be in love with the Creator of the universe. To want nothing more than to be with him forever.

To feel his grace, the best news ever announced to mankind. To see his forgiveness, that he would take such a wicked heart into his hands of mercy. But with that in mind, we’re in a culture where stories like mine either seem impossible or hilarious, depending on the audience. Homosexuality is everywhere — from music, to TV, even sports. If you’d believe all that society had to say about homosexuality, you’d come to the conclusion that it is completely normal, even somewhat admirable. But that is far from the truth. God tells us that homosexuality is sinful, abominable, and unnatural (Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:18–32; 1 Corinthians 6:9–11; 1 Timothy 1:8–10). But if I were to be honest, sometimes homosexual attractions can seem natural to me. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this may be your dilemma as well. You see what God has to say about homosexuality, but your heart doesn’t utter the same sentiments. God’s word says it’s sinful; your heart says it feels right. God’s word says it’s abominable; your heart says it’s delightful. God’s word says it’s unnatural; your heart says it’s totally normal.

Do you see that there is a clear divide between what God’s word says and how your heart feels? So which voice should you believe? There was a time in my walk with Christ where I experienced a lot of temptation about falling back into lesbianism. These temptations caused me to doubt God’s word. My temptations and desires began to become more real to me than the truth of the Bible. As I was praying and meditating on these things, God put this impression on my heart: “Jackie, you have to believe that my word is true even if it contradicts how you feel.” Wow! This is right.

Either I trust in his word or I trust my own feelings. Either I look to him for the pleasure my soul craves or I search for it in lesser things. Either I walk in obedience to what he says or I reject his truth as if it were a lie. The struggle with homosexuality is a battle of faith. Is God my joy? Is he good enough? Or am I still looking to broken cisterns to quench a thirst only he can satisfy? That is the battle. It is for me, and it is for you. The choice is yours, my friend. I pray you put your faith in Christ and flee from the lies of our society that coincide with the voices of your heart." 

 Written by @JackieHillPerry. P4CM.COM