We all desire to be the closest and if possible the most important person in the life of our partner. However, this is something even some married couples lack in their marriage. So does it mean that it is impossible for a couple to KNOW each other inside out? Is intimacy impossible to achieve in a relationship? If you asked me... I'll say YES! It is possible, but would it come on a platter? The answer is NO! What is Intimacy? I've always opined that intimacy is being NAKED! That is, not holding anything back, trusting ones partner enough, being comfortable around them and knowing and accepting each other's strengths and weaknesses. "Intimacy is a process – not a thing. It takes place over time and is not stagnant. In fact, any kind of stagnation in a relationship kills intimacy " -Counselling and Wellness Centre ( CWC )
From Myles' and the CWC’s statements, we can conclude that intimacy is indeed beyond the surface, it requires persistency as it is a continuous process. In my experience, I have discovered that success in anything at all requires knowing the SUBJECT and stages involved. Likewise, attaining closeness (intimacy) in your relationship demands that you know the stages.
STAGES OF INTIMACY
The first stage to true intimacy in a relationship is developing Oneness of Spirit. Sadly, in today's world we believe the first step is being sexually involved. As a matter of fact, this is what most people tag as INTIMACY. Oneness of Spirit simply means you both have the same belief when it comes to God and His existence. It means you don't have contrary views about religion and the denominations. It is believing in the same God, mode of worship and place of worship. Once this is settled, then you can move to the next stage.
The next stage is Intellectual Compatibility. This involves your ambitions, philosophies (life, money, family, love, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, music, smoking, sex, abortion, adoption, etc.). If this guy/girl is going to be the best/important part of your life, you sure want to tell them about how you view these subjects and also know theirs. It'll be disastrous and frustrating to marry someone whose ideologies differ from yours, just like the Holy Book puts it, two cannot work expect they agree (Amos 3:3).
Hence, if your relationship or marriage must work, then you both must be in agreement and agreement leads to better understanding and closeness (intimacy). I call the aforementioned points the MAJORS and most important of all the stages involved in building intimacy.
Now that we've majored on the important things, let's look at the minors. I call them minors not because they are unimportant, but (as a matter of fact they fuel the engine of every relationship) because they can be taught and learnt. For example, we all love different cars but use the same fuel. The car is the MAIN thing while the fuel is just FUEL...
The MAJORS are the car while the MINORS are the fuel. We are unique individuals and our love language varies. Emotional Awareness is knowing your partner's love language(s). For instance, I love poems (especially when they are yours and not a plagiarised one), surprises, respect and loyalty. I love it when I know my friends or partner have my back. Now, it doesn't mean everyone is like this. Some people love act of service, gifts, money, regular calls, taking them shopping and chopping and much more. Find out what your partner's love language is and try your best to do them. You'll be their favourite buddie that way.
Finally, this point requires the reader's discretion. Sexual Gene/Sexual Intimacy, this is the stereotypical definition of intimacy that most people are familiar with. However, it is knowing and understanding your partner's sexual turn 'ons and offs', favourite foreplay, sex position, and other things that would aid sexual intimacy. This knowledge should be applied ONLY after doing the RIGHT thing (marriage). Marriage should be honourable and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13.4)
Being in love is a beautiful thing and loving someone you know, understand and trust vice versa is magical. Dating; done the right way, leads to a lasting friendship and true intimacy. Dating is talking, asking questions in order to know each other better. It is not a time to groom a lover but to grow a friend. Concentrate more on the spiritual instead of the physical.
Ask questions on the 2 Majors (Spiritual and Intellectual) and the Minors (Emotional and Sexual), they foster INTIMACY and might lead you two down the aisle and keep you together. Don't forget to always pray for, and pray with your partner. Prayer is and will always be the KEY to unlocking the door that leads to success in all spheres of our life. A lot of divorce is as a result of not reaching an agreement on most if, not all of these things. If you are single you can get it right and if you're separated, this can guide you if you are still considering getting involved again.
Thanks for reading.
Chichi Ogbonnaya
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